


better off over

by bestliars



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Dysfunctional Relationships, M/M, Minnesota Wild, Trade Deadline, Weird fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-09
Updated: 2015-01-09
Packaged: 2018-03-06 19:38:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3146159
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bestliars/pseuds/bestliars
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>definitely not a love story in nineteen parts</p>
            </blockquote>





	better off over

**Author's Note:**

> warning for an unhealthy relationship. feel free to message me for specifics.
> 
> no apologies. no regrets.

**PART ONE : the very beginning**

The first thing Matt noticed was how loudly Marco laughed. Matt was eighteen, just drafted, and attending his first ever prospect camp in Minnesota. Marco was just old enough to have been drafted a year before, so by the time Matt arrived on the scene Marco was already comfortable. He had a nice laugh, he talked loudly, he was tall and good looking and just a little bit sweet. Matt decided right off the bat not to like him, just because. Yeah, that worked out really well.

**PART TWO: the very end**

When he gets traded he’s really glad that he isn’t with Marco. He’s in San Jose, and Marco’s in Houston, and if he plans it right maybe he won’t have to see Marco at all, he’ll just get to be gone forever, and they’ll never have to say goodbye. That sounds nice. 

That isn’t how it works out, but it’s a nice idea. Of course Marco had to go and try to be nice and fucking ruin everything.

**PART THREE: the facts**

To Minnesota:   
Jason Pominville

To Buffalo:   
Matt Hackett  
Johan Larsson  
2013 first round pick  
2014 second round pick

**PART FOUR: just what is it that’s being destroyed?**

They never called it dating.

They never said they were together.

They stayed over at each other’s places. They made each other breakfast. They went to movies together, and would order one large soda and one large popcorn and share them both (with two straws). They could order for each other at most restaurants with decent accuracy.

It isn’t that they liked each other, it’s just that they spent a lot of time together. They were comfortable. Familiar. Like an old pair of underwear that’s starting to fall apart but you keep forgetting to throw away.

**PART FIVE: realistic portrait of a functional relationship as imagined by an abstract expressionist who was never hugged as a child**

Sometimes distance makes the heart grow fonder. More often it doesn’t, but they never mention that.

Whenever Marco was in Minnesota, and Matt wasn’t, Matt would miss him, so don’t say it never meant _anything._ Mostly what Matt missed was Marco’s filthy mouth, and how he never made Matt move after he came. He won’t miss the things he’s supposed to miss if they meant anything real.

Marco’s so easy, Matt hardly had to try. Marco likes hanging out, he likes sex, he likes cooking dinner sometimes. He doesn’t ask for a lot, which is good because Matt doesn’t have a lot to give.

Matt isn’t sure if he likes Marco; he isn’t sure if he likes who he is when he’s with Marco. He likes being with Marco? He likes what they’re doing in basic terms, but…

He doesn’t like thinking about it too hard, which is fine; he doesn’t have to, they’re just having fun, it isn’t a big deal. None of it really matters. It’s all a good time, nothing worth worrying about.

Thinking about something — thinking about what doing something makes you — is a waste of time. It’s categorization: futile and boring. Matt’s just gonna do this shit ok? And not think about it or talk about it or anything. He’s the same person day after day.

**PART SIX: THE SEX (this is the most important part)**

The sex was always really good. It would have to be, considering how much of a wreck the rest of it was. Matt would never have been able to put up with all the emotions and bullshit if Marco wasn’t a great lay.

It’s not just about, like, technical proficiency. There was more than that. Convenience. It helps to bone someone who you’re already sharing a room with. A hell of a lot easier than picking up.

It was all about timing. 

Their rookie year it just worked. Neither of them knew what they were doing, or knew the city, or knew what they wanted, and it was easier to be together than to go looking for anything else. And that spring, the ride to the Calder cup finals, that was just something else. They were so good together. Matt doesn’t think they’ve ever managed to get back to anything as good since. Maybe it was dumb that they kept trying.

But whatever. It was easy. It was great. If someone’s looking for what their problem was, it definitely wasn’t the sex.

**PART SEVEN: justification**

Sometimes traditional prose is too coherent. Sometimes experimentation is better suited to communicate confusion. Form follows function. 

This is an in depth glossary of the damage done by an unnatural disaster; is anyone really worrying about the grammar?

**PART EIGHT: poetry**

Matt gets traded from the Wild to the Sabres  
and time doesn’t actually stop.  
it just  
flattens  
speeds up  
rushes, distorts, warps weirdly  
anything but linear second after second  
until sixty make a minute  
twenty of those make a period  
three of those in a game.

Trades are all a part of the game  
and he wants to play

Life is the same after the trade  
worse weather in Rochester than Houston  
but mostly the same. 

One moment, then another  
living through non fragmented time  
that he won’t remember well in the morning

He has to make saves  
with that as a mandate it’s hard to not feel the need to be a savior  
he doesn’t have to be a savior  
he just has to give them a chance  
he needs to make enough saves to give them a chance  
all he needs is a chance  
to show everyone that’s doubted him  
that he’s better than all this shit  
arguably  
he’s better than this  
arguably  
he can be better than this  
arguably, he still has upside.  
he’s still young.  
old enough to have fucked up, but young enough to deserve another chance  
to make the saves to prove that he can be better than this.  
he could be a savior  
they’re looking for one  
looking for someone to fill in the hole in the team  
someone to fill the net  
they need a savior  
it could be him.  
why not.

this isn’t like last time  
not like the last time where he wasn’t enough  
couldn’t make enough saves  
couldn’t stop enough  
couldn’t stop himself  
from making bad choices  
or from making his good choices  
go bad

Sometimes things start sweet and turn bitter  
sometimes it tastes good going down and it’s only in the aftertaste that anything seems wrong  
sometimes it’s delicious but not nutritious  
unhealthy and just a bad fucking choice

It’s still too soon for Matt to say what everything that went down was  
a bit of everything probably  
a hybrid  
he’s a hybrid goalie — that’s what they called him in the draft  
so that’s what he is  
or at least that’s what he was  
but he’s changed since then  
probably  
at least  
that would be expected.  
he was drafted a while ago  
it would be strange if he was still just the same  
the question:  
has he gotten better or worse?

He hardly knows anyone one in Rochester  
only Larsson  
and they were never close  
in Houston he had friends  
or close enough  
he lived with Darcy  
who was a friend  
and the competition  
who the Wild chose to keep over him  
and of course  
he had Marco  
whatever that means  
meant  
whatever that meant  
he had Marco

**PART NINE: having three hours from getting picked up from the airport by your now ex-boyfriend to try to pack your whole life into boxes with his help before moving across the country: 0/10 do not recommend**

Marco picks him up at the airport.

Matt really doesn’t want to see him, but...

Matt texted Marco, and asked if Marco could pick him up. Darcy’s somewhere between Houston and San Jose, and Matt doesn’t want to see anyone else. If he’s going to do this with anyone, it should be with Marco. They mean that much to each other.

Matt has no idea what they say in the car home from the airport. Not much. Marco has decent music playing, Matt focuses on that, because it’s easier than trying to say anything.

They get to the place he’s sharing with Darcy, and Matt starts finding every bag he owns. He probably won’t need all this junk in Rochester, but he doesn’t want to leave it waiting in Houston either. He wants to leave today and never come back.

Marco helps him pack. Marco’s found a bunch of boxes that they can use. Marco has packing tape. Marco says that he can send along whatever they don’t get to right now, mail it to Rochester, or his parents place, whatever. Marco’s so helpful, and he doesn’t even seem sad. It’s annoying.

Matt doesn’t have time to press Marco into his bed and fuck him. He needs to pack, and they already stripped the sheets off. Matt shouldn’t even want that. He doesn’t. Not really. 

He doesn't understand how Marco can be so calm. This changes everything. Why doesn't Marco care?

Matt wonders if he wants Marco to be heartbroken. He doesn't know how he'd handle that, if Marco wanted to be held, and cry in his arms, or whatever. But doesn't that make more sense than this sort of cool indifference? 

Like, Matt's going to be fine, this never meant anything to him, but he thought Marco would see it differently. He always thought that it must mean more to Marco than does (did) to him. It should mean something to someone, and Matt’s never had the energy to be invested.

He needs to pack. He needs to prioritize: clothes, and gear, and stuff that can’t be replaced easily. There isn’t much of that. Everything that really matters is still at his parents’ place. Everything here is just _junk._

He really doesn’t want to leave.

Sure, things are kind of fucked up here, but it’s not too bad. Whatever comes next could easily be worse. The way things are is such a safe familiar sort of pain. Honestly, Matt’s started to enjoy it.

Just as it’s starting to get dark Marco drives him back to the airport. He’ll check into the hotel tonight, and will have his first practice with his new team in the morning. Marco helps him load all his stuff onto one of the luggage carts, leaving the car running in the drop off zone. Matt needs to go through security. Marco needs to go home. They only have a minute to say goodbye. That’s too much.

**PART TEN: a lack of**

They have never been about grand gestures.

Matt is not going to kiss Marco in the drop off zone of the airport. That’s just ridiculous. That doesn’t sound like them at all.

Matt isn’t going to say anything about love. He isn’t going to say anything about anything. He says, “Thanks for helping me pack.”

Marco shrugs. “It’s really nothing.”

Yeah, all this is really nothing. It’s great to know they’re on the same page. 

**PART ELEVEN: self loathing**

Matt doesn’t even know if he likes guys. Like, if it’s a thing. He wouldn’t call himself gay, or bi, or anything. They just. They fuck. He fucks girls too, big fucking deal. Sex is sex, and who you are is who you are. This doesn’t have to be so messy. Why does everyone try to pretend that it matters so much?

Marco’s got the big catholic guilt trip identity politics revelation package: fuck what he grew up believing, he's just super into cock. Marco might be actually gay, or at least more gay than not. They never talked about it, but Matt never noticed him looking at girls. Matt suggested a three way once, he even met a girl, a pretty perfect boring blond puck bunny who said she'd be up for it. Marco said he wasn't interested — killjoy. Matt went home with the girl because he had spent all night flirting with her, and he would have felt bad to let that effort go to waste. Marco would still be there in the morning, and the next night, and the one after. Matt can't really remember how it was like with her. He thinks she wound up blowing him in the handicap bathroom, so he got to go home with Marco after all. But that might have been a different girl in a different city, and this might have been the time when he brought her up to their room, when Marco was already in bed with the lights out. Matt made her get as loud as he could, and then when she left he climbed under Marco's covers and made him come so fucking fast.

That was a great night. They might have been an undeniable disaster by the end, but they had a lot of great nights first.

**PART TWELVE: Marco’s point of view (though why would you care)**

He’s probably better off. It isn’t like they were going anywhere. It wasn’t like this was ever supposed to mean anything.

(I never said it would.)

It’s probably better now that Matt’s gone. He’s been having a hard time lately, and this is one less thing distracting him from what really matters. With Matt gone he’ll be able to concentrate. He can focus on his hockey, and his health, and his happiness. Before, he had been too distracted by all the different ways they liked to have fun hurting each other. It should be better now.

(I’m not responsible for the year you’ve been having. I don’t see how you can blame me. If you’re fucking up, you’re fucking up.)

He thinks he’ll be lonely now, but it will be better. It’s better to be alone, and unhappy, and healing, than to be half-together, and unhappy, and ignoring an open wound.

(Don’t get melodramatic. It was never that bad.)

Like, he knows there were good parts. Comfort and sex and having someone else who was _there_. That’s was something. A lot even, maybe, sometimes. It probably wasn’t worth the ways they’d hurt each other, but it’s hard to say. Most of the bad things were quiet. It hurt like an ache that goes unnoticed until it disappears and you suddenly feel so much better.

Now that it’s over, it’s easier if he thinks about the bad things that are disappearing, and not the good things that he’ll miss. 

(Tell me you’ll miss me.)

He won’t miss how demanding Matt could be. 

(Like you don’t like getting told what to do sometimes.)

He won’t miss how Matt liked reminding him of things he liked to pretend weren’t true.

(Aww, don’t be like that.)

He will probably miss the sex.

(That’s more like it.)

But that’s replaceable. He won’t miss the sex so much that he doesn’t think he’ll be better off alone.

There was a moment when it really seemed like they were great together, but they’re way past that. There were still flashes until the very end, but not enough to hold on to. Maybe Matt got off on how fucked up they were, but Marco didn’t.

(I never did, be fair.)

Not really anyway. There _was_ something compelling about how mean they could be to each other. That kind of made it special. Not in a good way, but it was unique. Marco could go on to meet one hundred other boys, but none of them are gonna fuck him up like Matt has.

(I could take that as a compliment.)

Someday, a long time from now, Matt will be a good story. He'll be a learning experience. But right now all Marco can say is that they were the fucking worst. 

**PART THIRTEEN: if it was so bad why did Marco stay?**

Look, Matt knows they had some flaws, but Marco never ended it. There were two of them in it. Marco could have stopped it at any time. This isn't all on him. 

Matt does wonder why Marco never stopped it. Maybe he was waiting for Matt to call it off. Maybe he was waiting for Matt to do something really terrible. Matt was never going to be the one to say they were finished. Even as he started to see how bad they were for each other, he always planned on letting it run it’s course — it wasn’t up to him to change things, this was just what was happening to them. 

It wasn’t that bad. Not for Matt anyway. He was fine, playing his role. If Marco wanted it over, he’d have to be the one to speak up. Marco can’t have been that miserable; if he had been, he would have said something.

It’s probably for the best that an outside force intervened when it did. Otherwise Matt thinks they could have gone on forever. That doesn’t actually sound so bad. Not for him anyway.

It really is for the best that the end of their relationship was taken out of their hands. Matt just wishes that could have happened without sending him to Rochester.

Why does he have to be the one to leave?

**PART FOURTEEN: a true statement of uncertainty**

It’s one thing to be a heartbreaker; it’s another to be careless. Matt is pretty sure he’s the second, but he doesn’t know which is worse.

**PART FIFTEEN: levity**

When times get rough, it’s important to not get dragged down. Don’t take things too seriously. Remember to laugh. There’s humor hiding behind every shadow. Really, if you look at it from a different angle, this whole mess could be set up to a good joke.

**PART SIXTEEN: the pitch**

So ok, it's a sitcom, about two young men who play hockey together. They're both self destructive in different ways, and actually terrible for each other, but they think they make each other happy. You'll have to cast actors with great chemistry, you need to feel the sexual tension radiating off the screen. And then they have adventures where they're mostly accidentally increasingly mean to each other, while having a lot of great sex. Also they play hockey sometimes. That's important. 

What do you mean that doesn't sound funny?

**PART SEVENTEEN: I don’t like you but I like the way you look in my memories**

They say absence makes the heart grow fonder. Blah blah blah. Matt doesn’t want to be here. He wants to be back in Houston. Things certainly weren’t perfect, but Matt knew where he stood. Now everything is...

Different and worse. Life without Marco is different and worse. Obviously Marco's absence is not the only difference, but it's what he notices the most. The world has changed, and it feels empty. 

**PART EIGHTEEN: concluding question**

1) If it hurts this bad to be apart, does that mean they were in love?  
2) If they were in love, does that make everything worth it?  
3) If they were in love, does that mean Matt shouldn’t feel guilty?

**PART NINETEEN: answer key**

No.

**Author's Note:**

> Endless love to Clair, who betaed this, and loves me, and encourages me to follow my heart, even when that means writing weird shit like this. She's the greatest.


End file.
